45 Days w/ God - Day 8

This is the 8th day of my time off/time with God. I have been resting that is for sure. Most of that rest has been nice, but some has been horrible. I 'relaxed' yesterday with one of my favorite past times, video games. I sat down and played The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. I picked this game up several months ago and had never had the time to get into it. I finally decided to crack the game open and play some. I got maybe 6 hours into playing total (not in one sitting) and realized how dark I felt inside. I had let the darkness of the game start to inhabit my mind. I let hours of my life slip away with each corner and heart container.

I want to say that video games are not bad. Many people play video games and live healthy lives. This just took me back to the times when I would play games for 12-18 hours a day and do nothing. When video games consumed me. It haunted me the rest of the day on Sunday. It took some scripture and my wife to cleanse the darkness I felt. I realized, like other things from my past, video games needed to go away and not come back.

The sermon at church yesterday was spot on. Ben nailed it on the head and I left encouraged. I saw what I used to call 'rest' did to me after this. Today hasn't been much better. I spent the morning listening to worship and even tried to listen to a Rich Nathan sermon while working at work. I feel dark inside. I let the fear/stress/unbalance I was feel manifest itself.

As most know I have been trying to eat better. This is one of my 'big 2 sins'. I ate what I brought with me for breakfast and lunch and was doing well. Until my drive home. I stopped at Wendy's and consumed somewhere around 1500-2000 calories would be my best guess. I ate a full days meal because I felt bad for myself. I needed a 'release' something to make me feel better. Only this device made me feel worse, much worse.

I am having troubles with self control even with less going on in my life. Now I realize that it's not really all the stress and lack of time that drives me to do things I don't want to. I just choose to do the wrong thing and blame them on the stress. The fundamental shift needed in my heart and mind is much larger than I previously thought. The issues are deeper than time management and priority management.

I prayed last night to God. I read about David being made king over all of Israel. I have made at least one HUGE determination in this first week spiritually. A SPIRITUAL REALM EXISTS AND IS ACTIVE IN OUR PHYSICAL WORLD. This became very clear to me yesterday. I experienced the presence of God via the Holy Spirit and the presence of demon's and sin via old habits. It's not to say that I didn't see it or experience it in other ways, but those stick out. I an honestly say that fear/worry is all but settled in me now. I still don't understand eternity, heaven, the spiritual world, what exactly will happen after I die, but I do know it is very real. I thank God for this because I believe He is working on me and showing me who He is in new ways. I also thank Satan for validating that he is real. I feel like knowing there is a Satan in very important. The tricks and slumps he puts you in and tempts you with validate how strong God is. Just reading the Bible calmed the uneasy spirit that was in my yesterday. It was AWESOME!

I still feel bad right now due to the amount of food I ate, but I know God is working in me and freeing me slowly but surely from these chains. I just pray that I keep looking to Christ. That I keep pressing in as this is getting harder every day. I just want to break free and love God every day. I want to share Christ with others. I want to live my life as a sacrifice to the God who saved me.

45 Days w/ God - Day 5

I am finding it hard to focus at work. It seems when one area of my life improves I get attacked emotionally and mentally in the other areas. In fact I am writing this entry at work because I am struggling a lot with focusing. Trying to do something I want to in order to jump start my desire to work on work things.

I am struggling with temptation in many area's and it's so much stronger than normal. I want to spend more money for some reason. I am eating better for the most part, which is good. Initially sexual temptation was non-existent, but now that type of temptation is creeping back in. I haven't given into any of the normal sins like over eating and porn. I have spent more money that I should, which on my list of issues is like anywhere from #3 to #5 depending on the day/week it is.

Focusing on God and trying to let Him have control is rough, much harder than I remember it. Maybe it's because I am so used to holding onto every little thing I do that it has become harder. I just read about Saul disobeying God on multiple occasions and I feel like Saul. God is giving me clear direction on what to do, I am just not listening or following. I feel like my wife is my Samuel and gives me great advise and direction and I just don't listen. I have gotten to spend significantly more time with her, which has been awesome. I really have enjoyed the time I have spent with her. That has been a real blessing.

I am trying to be patient and change my line of thinking about life. I fill my life with tons of activities, I am trying to avoid that again. I am praying about it, but I still get anxious when I think about life after these 45 days. I feel like my laziness is becoming an issue. That I am starting to go too far in the opposite direction. I want to find the middle ground. I want to learn to say no to things that I should. This is becoming very difficult.

45 Days w/ God - Day 2

So the first two days of my life style readjustment are almost over. The improvement in time spent with my wife and family is much better. I have eaten dinner with my wife two days in a row, which is some sort of record I am sure. I got to take a walk with my wife and dog last night. Work is still busy, but my life outside of work is not stressful, so this creates a much better balance. I haven't made an amazing spiritualy break through, but I have prayed more intentionally, spent time with God in praise, and prayed a good bit more. It hasn't been a dramatic flip over from what I normally do. This is very comforting to me. I feel like the changes being made can be sustained, which is my goal. I don't want to be SO EXTREME in everything that it is not sustainable past these 45 days. I want to create a healthy balance between family, God, friends, church, and life stuff. I feel like God is guiding me to that place. I feel lighter in my chest. Normally my chest is physically tight and stress enables the justifcation of eating, pornography, and any other sin I choose to engage in. Eating itself is not a sin, but for me it is an issue and a sin most times I do it. I find myself not worring about eating which I always used to do. I find myself going for walks as a break during work, which I never used to do. Right now everything seems to be heading in the right direction. I just feel better physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I pray that this just keeps going.

45 Days with the God

The idea of spending time with 'God' is not something I give a lot of weight. Yes I am a Christian and yes I believe completely in the bible, but in my daily life I do not give God time. I might pray a little here or there. I occasionally read my bible to 'get back on track'. I never really give God everything. You can read about Christian's in the bible who gave everything. You can read stories of missionaries who gave everything. I know I don't give God 10 minutes some days, let alone my life, family, heart, mind, etc.

If you know me you know I am a very busy person. I like to fill my life with tasks and different jobs to try and keep myself busy. Many of you know I keep my self too busy, I overload my schedule. Some times to the point that I break down or my marriage begins to break down. I do this in 2 year spirts. I slowly involve myself in more and more things until my schedule is overflowing with activities, groups, and work. Then I break down mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am not a rock star by any means, but I feel like one sometimes. I feel over stimulated and out of my mind. I feel lost in my own body and life.

So I have taken steps to remove every extra from my life. I have stopped serving at my church (gasp!), I have stopped participating in tons of extra groups (gasp!), I have pulled back my work schedule, and I have removed all fat from my schedule. I have replaced it with quality time with my wife and free time. That free time is going to belong to God.

I plan on taking the next 45 days and spending it with God. Taking this time of rest to examine this relationship. To evaluate everything I believe. To try and learn more about the God I believe in and draw as close to Him as possible. During this time I am giving up Twitter, Pinterest, Facebook, and all other web surfing not essential to my full time job. The reason for removing these elements is they are distractions. I will however be blogging here in a journal like fashion. I plan on being completely open and honest. I am going to hide nothing during this time. I feel like it's important to be fully honest and go after God without putting up any walls.

I will update this most days. The plan is to spend time in the bible, in dedicated prayer, in worship via music, in worship via writing, and in submission to the Holy Spirit. Society has begun to teach me that there is no God. My plan is to dive deep and find out how real the God I believe in is. I want to make sure you get to see how much I discover during this time.

I would appreciate your prayers during this time that I can open myself up to all that God has for me. Thanks to all of my friends and family who support me and love me. God has truly blessed me with the people in my life. My prayer is that this blog allows you to see exactly what I go through and shows who God really is.