Tonight

Tonight, Alexander’s birth mom changed her mind about the adoption. What that means is we had to give our son back to his birth mom tonight, forever.

We know this will spark a ton of questions like ‘How is that possible?’ and ‘Legally can that happen?’. We would like to walk you through the last week to give all the detail we can and explain how all this happened. But first we would like to ask everyone to be praying for us. This is one of the hardest things we have ever had to go through, and it’s going to leave some huge scars. Second, we need some time to figure this all out for ourselves and to heal. Please know that if we don’t respond to you it’s simply because we are working through this incredibly difficult time.

Last Thursday we drove to Cleveland ahead of the scheduled C-section on Friday at 10am. Friday morning we were at the hospital and spent the entire day with the birth mom, her sister, and little Alexander once he came into the world. From Friday till discharge on Monday afternoon we spent 10+ hours a day with the birth mom and any visitors that came to the hospital. We had many conversations and grew close to the birth mom. During this entire time, we were bonding and spending as much time with Alexander as possible.

Then Monday came and Alexander was discharged to us. We signed a Care Agreement with the birth mom which states that we are legally responsible for the health and well-being of Alexander. This does not start the adoption process. It simply puts the child in our custody for care while the court system gets everything lined up for the first hearing to begin the adoption process.

From Monday until Friday Alexander was in our care. We stayed at a hotel up in Lyndhurst, OH, just outside of Cleveland. We spent all day and night caring for little Alexander, forming strong bonds with him and getting to know his little patterns and personality. We took him to his first doctor’s visit at the same hospital where he was born in Cleveland. He was perfectly healthy and had no issues at all.

Since the court hearing date had yet to be scheduled, we decided that we would come home to Cincinnati on Friday and settle in at our house. We knew that next week or the week after we would have to drive back to Lorain County for the first hearing.

Over the week his birth mom had expressed a desire to see Alexander, which is very normal since she had just given birth to him. We had discussed what the open adoption would look like and had agreed to a schedule for visits. We thought all was good. At some point on Friday, his birth mother decided that she could no longer go without Alexander. She talked with the social workers and the adoption agency to let them know she wanted him back, and that the adoption was off. The agency then let us know that she wanted him back and that she would be calling us shortly.

At around 6pm, we got the call from the birth mother. She was traveling from Cleveland to Cincinnati tonight. We gave her a location to meet us to pick up Alexander. Needless to say, the hours after this were some of the most confusing and frustrating hours of our lives. We both cried off and on, all while taking care of little Alexander for the last time. We drove to the location, and at 10:27 she came and took him from us.

We both completely understand where she is coming from and that she wants to be with her child. We also understand how hard it must be to give birth to a child and then place the child for adoption. We are not mad at her in any way.

With all that said, this hurts deeply. It’s some of the deepest pain either of us has ever felt. We do not understand this at all. We are broken and hurt people right now. We need love and support more than ever. We trust God with everything we are in this horrible time.

We want to thank all of you who have taken this adoption journey with us over the years. To those who have given us your time, money, prayers, and gifts--we cannot thank you enough for all that you have done. We never thought this would be where we would end up. We don’t know what we are going to do from here. We have a lot of reflection and prayer to do, and we appreciate your prayers during this time.

I hate something

I hate sin. I just can't stand it. It breaks my heart. It destroys my body. It kills. It takes so much away from what I could be. I choose it. I consume it. I decide to partake in it. Minute by minute I choose to consume this awful elixir. And for what? A temporary high? A quick soothing of my trouble? Something to distract me from the real problems? To fulfill me? I don't know why I choose something that I know is CLEARLY not the solution.

I think I am a pretty intelligent person. I think I have the basic logic skills that allow a human to exist on this plant for longer than 20 minutes. So why is it that I engage in sin? Why do I choose it over what I know to be right? I am starting to wonder if I have what it takes to really choose the right option. I honestly don't think I have what it takes. For the longest time I truly thought that I had the capacity to do what is right. Now I know I don't. Man, that is hard to admit.

If you believe in sin, how do you deal with it? How do you work through your daily life choices? I am not looking for canned comments or answers here. I am looking for the very details of how you get through life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to try something different. Let me know what you think. I am interested to hear your ideas.

45 Days w/ God - Wrap Up

I never did take the time to finish what I started with this blog, so now I will...

At the end of the 45 days I will be completely honest, I was changed. I still had troubles/issues/problems/etc., but my heart and mind were changed. The time I got to spend with God on a daily basis was amazing. Nothing can replace setting aside time to spend with your LORD. Each day would draw me closer and closer to Him. The most awesome thing in all of this was I felt the opposition to what I was doing. Each day I was tempted, clouded, and some times blasted with evil in many ways. This was validation for me. This was the proof that God is LORD and evil is real. This isn't just some random religion and this isn't some false god. Jesus is in fact the Christ and following Him daily caused me more trouble than not. This showed me what I was doing was real, true, and right.

I know I am not "quantifying" any of this story with real stories of events or evidence/proof. I feel like that is better explained in person. So if you want to know more about my experiences let's get coffee or just sit down and talk sometime. I would love to share with you exactly what happened to me.

The point of all of this is that the 45 days away from all of the mess (Internet, facebook, busy work, extra stuff, etc.) allowed me to discover God in a new way. I highly recommend spending some time with God each day. Go into a room, away from everything, and talk with God. If you want to know more about how this should look, drop me a line, would love to talk to you about it.

45 Days w/ God - Day 15

I am up this early because I believe I am still 16 for some reason. Last night I went out and purchased Taco Bell at roughly 1030pm. I then consumed it and thought that was the end of it. Unfortunately for me this was just the beginning. I went to bed around 1130pm and awoke at 130am by some light stomach cramping and a whinning dog. I put the dog back to sleep then went back to bed thinking nothing of the light stomach pain. Then it hit me around 3am. I woke up with some horrible indigestion, I mean really bad. Like so much pain in my mid-section that I couldn't stand up without huge amounts of pain. I got some pepto and water to start the process of trying to flush this stuff out. About an hour and 30 minutes into the pain and discomfort I prayed, God just let this end. Prayer was answered less than 5 minutes later. It all came back up. I haven't puked in a long time, but this was the first time I think I was ever thankful for it. When I finished I thanked God for the release. I hadn't felt even a touch like I was gonna puke before I prayed.

For some reason I have these moments where I believe I can act like I am a teenager still. This is just one example. Now you can look at this and say, "Whatever, you got sick, wasn't God". I choose to see it differently. That being said I have chosen to start seeing a number of things different. The last week has been a very strong spiritual battle. I have fought off food a decent bit, I did a two day fast from food, I had some really good in depth discussions with my wife about God, and really started to form some sustainable rhythm's around prayer, worship, and reading the Bible. Honestly I have had to fight to not read Facebook. I love people and like to know how people are doing. I love community, and to a degree Facebook provides some of that. I am happy to say I have not given in and used Facebook.

I realized yesterday during church that I have built up a resistance to worshiping God fully. I am so worried about the impression or opinions I think others will have (yes think, not know, so it's all in my head) I hold back worshiping in church. I want to break through this and worship God fully while in church. I have come to realize that loving God and following Him is all the time. I think I have lived most of my life by "taking plays off" or "turning off my brain" and just doing things based on what I think/feel. I am trying to have 100% community with God now. I am trying to look to him for just about everything. It is really helping me to stay away from certain additions, which is awesome.

I do feel closer to God after spending these 15 days more focused on Him. With that said I still have a long ways to go and that is okay. You can't form a deep and intimate relationship in 2 weeks, so I know a deeper relationship with God will take more time. I am reading about the life of David right now and I want his heart for God. David just had constant community with God and I want my heart/mindset to be that in tune and close to God. That more than anything else is what I want.

I still struggle with over eating. That is pretty obvious based on the first part of this post. It is very much a compulsion and something I give into to very easily. I still need a lot of prayer around this area of my life. This more than anything else is my life is going to take time to over come. I know my God is stronger than any desire I have. I know my God can break these chains of addiction I have. I know my God will have victory in my life over this. I know I need to choose to let God have this area of my life. I know I need to make better decisions around what I eat and when. I know I need better boundries around food in my life.

I praise God for all he is doing in me. I pray that He would continue to change me and make me the man He intended me to be.

45 Days w/ God - Day 8

This is the 8th day of my time off/time with God. I have been resting that is for sure. Most of that rest has been nice, but some has been horrible. I 'relaxed' yesterday with one of my favorite past times, video games. I sat down and played The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. I picked this game up several months ago and had never had the time to get into it. I finally decided to crack the game open and play some. I got maybe 6 hours into playing total (not in one sitting) and realized how dark I felt inside. I had let the darkness of the game start to inhabit my mind. I let hours of my life slip away with each corner and heart container.

I want to say that video games are not bad. Many people play video games and live healthy lives. This just took me back to the times when I would play games for 12-18 hours a day and do nothing. When video games consumed me. It haunted me the rest of the day on Sunday. It took some scripture and my wife to cleanse the darkness I felt. I realized, like other things from my past, video games needed to go away and not come back.

The sermon at church yesterday was spot on. Ben nailed it on the head and I left encouraged. I saw what I used to call 'rest' did to me after this. Today hasn't been much better. I spent the morning listening to worship and even tried to listen to a Rich Nathan sermon while working at work. I feel dark inside. I let the fear/stress/unbalance I was feel manifest itself.

As most know I have been trying to eat better. This is one of my 'big 2 sins'. I ate what I brought with me for breakfast and lunch and was doing well. Until my drive home. I stopped at Wendy's and consumed somewhere around 1500-2000 calories would be my best guess. I ate a full days meal because I felt bad for myself. I needed a 'release' something to make me feel better. Only this device made me feel worse, much worse.

I am having troubles with self control even with less going on in my life. Now I realize that it's not really all the stress and lack of time that drives me to do things I don't want to. I just choose to do the wrong thing and blame them on the stress. The fundamental shift needed in my heart and mind is much larger than I previously thought. The issues are deeper than time management and priority management.

I prayed last night to God. I read about David being made king over all of Israel. I have made at least one HUGE determination in this first week spiritually. A SPIRITUAL REALM EXISTS AND IS ACTIVE IN OUR PHYSICAL WORLD. This became very clear to me yesterday. I experienced the presence of God via the Holy Spirit and the presence of demon's and sin via old habits. It's not to say that I didn't see it or experience it in other ways, but those stick out. I an honestly say that fear/worry is all but settled in me now. I still don't understand eternity, heaven, the spiritual world, what exactly will happen after I die, but I do know it is very real. I thank God for this because I believe He is working on me and showing me who He is in new ways. I also thank Satan for validating that he is real. I feel like knowing there is a Satan in very important. The tricks and slumps he puts you in and tempts you with validate how strong God is. Just reading the Bible calmed the uneasy spirit that was in my yesterday. It was AWESOME!

I still feel bad right now due to the amount of food I ate, but I know God is working in me and freeing me slowly but surely from these chains. I just pray that I keep looking to Christ. That I keep pressing in as this is getting harder every day. I just want to break free and love God every day. I want to share Christ with others. I want to live my life as a sacrifice to the God who saved me.

45 Days w/ God - Day 5

I am finding it hard to focus at work. It seems when one area of my life improves I get attacked emotionally and mentally in the other areas. In fact I am writing this entry at work because I am struggling a lot with focusing. Trying to do something I want to in order to jump start my desire to work on work things.

I am struggling with temptation in many area's and it's so much stronger than normal. I want to spend more money for some reason. I am eating better for the most part, which is good. Initially sexual temptation was non-existent, but now that type of temptation is creeping back in. I haven't given into any of the normal sins like over eating and porn. I have spent more money that I should, which on my list of issues is like anywhere from #3 to #5 depending on the day/week it is.

Focusing on God and trying to let Him have control is rough, much harder than I remember it. Maybe it's because I am so used to holding onto every little thing I do that it has become harder. I just read about Saul disobeying God on multiple occasions and I feel like Saul. God is giving me clear direction on what to do, I am just not listening or following. I feel like my wife is my Samuel and gives me great advise and direction and I just don't listen. I have gotten to spend significantly more time with her, which has been awesome. I really have enjoyed the time I have spent with her. That has been a real blessing.

I am trying to be patient and change my line of thinking about life. I fill my life with tons of activities, I am trying to avoid that again. I am praying about it, but I still get anxious when I think about life after these 45 days. I feel like my laziness is becoming an issue. That I am starting to go too far in the opposite direction. I want to find the middle ground. I want to learn to say no to things that I should. This is becoming very difficult.

45 Days w/ God - Day 2

So the first two days of my life style readjustment are almost over. The improvement in time spent with my wife and family is much better. I have eaten dinner with my wife two days in a row, which is some sort of record I am sure. I got to take a walk with my wife and dog last night. Work is still busy, but my life outside of work is not stressful, so this creates a much better balance. I haven't made an amazing spiritualy break through, but I have prayed more intentionally, spent time with God in praise, and prayed a good bit more. It hasn't been a dramatic flip over from what I normally do. This is very comforting to me. I feel like the changes being made can be sustained, which is my goal. I don't want to be SO EXTREME in everything that it is not sustainable past these 45 days. I want to create a healthy balance between family, God, friends, church, and life stuff. I feel like God is guiding me to that place. I feel lighter in my chest. Normally my chest is physically tight and stress enables the justifcation of eating, pornography, and any other sin I choose to engage in. Eating itself is not a sin, but for me it is an issue and a sin most times I do it. I find myself not worring about eating which I always used to do. I find myself going for walks as a break during work, which I never used to do. Right now everything seems to be heading in the right direction. I just feel better physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I pray that this just keeps going.